Forget to Breathe
by i02heydude
Summary: Clark reads Chloe's journal after she moves away. C/C focussed


Title: Forget to Breathe   
Summary: Chloe's thoughts, etc. C/C (kinda) - post Heat   
Author name: Amanda   
Date: 11/21/02   
Disclaimer: Don't own Smallville, just watch it.   
  
Clark is sitting in the middle of Chloe's room, some of her stuff is still there, but most of the important things are gone. Mr. Sullivan asked Clark to look in on the house from time to time, make sure nothing is wrong with it. He looks at her desk, seeing that she left some of the later issues of the Torch sitting on her desk, with a picture of Pete, Clark and her at the Spring Formal sitting on top of it. It looks as though there were tearstains on it, causing the picture to be warped a little.   
  
He missed her, so much. He felt so bad for hurting his best friend. To see the hurt in her eyes, to watch her try to hold back her tears, and to see her put a brave face, suck up her feelings and do the most selfless act... he couldn't control his feelings for Lana but he also couldn't expect Chloe to wait for him. He sat on her bed, looked at her pictures, and opened her closet. He saw Chloe's pink dress from Spring Formal, dirty, and torn, shoved in the back, obvious that she was trying to make sure no one saw it. He took it out, and her journal fell out, a simple white journal with newspaper clippings about the meteors taped to it. Of course, that's his Chloe. Her Discman also fell out. 'That's odd' Clark thought, 'She always takes her Discman with her. It's almost as sacred as her computer.' He debated with himself for about 15 minutes whether to read the journal or not. 'I just have to...' he thought. He put the headphones on, pushed play, opened the journal and sat on the floor.   
  
*********   
During my time in Metropolis, I grew up, in the way I only knew how.   
  
Some people like to say that if you have love, you can survive everything. Don't forget the most important "love is a two way street" clause. For me, Chloe Sullivan, the clause is irrelevant, no matter the person, Sean Kelvin, Justin Gaines... Clark Kent.   
  
_I could give all I own, my family, my friends, my home But without love, it means nothing_   
  
It's funny how one night can lead to one summer that leads to everything pertaining to my heart, and nothing pertaining to my love.   
  
You can't just expect someone to change their feelings to fit yours. It's like asking a baby to give up their favorite toy, but the exception is... in time, they will realize that they don't need it anymore and they grow out of it. That's just the thing, Clark Kent is already a grown boy... no Chloe Sullivan can change his attachment to his raven beauty.   
  
When I saw Justin again, I simply knew this was the one shot I had to get over my obsession with Clark... I can't believe I called it an obsession. I think I'm finally going along with what everyone else is saying to me... but Clark isn't an obsession to me. Clark Kent isn't my Lana Lang... I love Clark, but I just can't see how Clark can love Lana... Lana is definitely an obsession to Clark, but it isn't fair for me to say that. I'm sure just as much as I don't like people telling me that, maybe Clark doesn't like it either. But if I start to believe that, that means Chloe Sullivan has lost... again.   
  
When I thought I was going to die... hearing the dirt fly onto the coffin... I regretted everything in my life that I've handled incorrectly... like not acting on my impulses with Clark. I'm always the passive, "let's stand back" kind of girl with it comes to him. You just can't compete with the infatuation he has with Lana... I don't even think I want to. Every time I try... I only get burned, and my daddy always told me I was way better than that.   
  
And then... the day he asked me to the Spring Formal... it took me back to before. "Take a chance Chloe, maybe just maybe Clark feels the same way about you. You can't pass this up." I told him it was worth the wait. Was that cheesy? Of course it was... when have I been known to carry clichés in my back pocket... and actually use them in conversation? But no matter how much I hate them... the thing about them is that they're fitting...   
  
The night came... everything just happened so fast. I couldn't sit there and savor the moments... like when Clark opened my car door for me, or when Clark told me I was beautiful... or when Clark asked me to dance... to my favorite song nonetheless. Not even Lana Lang could ruin my happiness that night... too bad I was wrong. I can't ever really forget that night. You don't forget when your best friend breaks a promise to you, no matter how big or small it is. Or at least I don't...   
  
_Love's gentle but love's unkind You're lost for words and I'm out of time ...and there's no comfort that calls me to stay When your perfect excuses are perfectly made ..Oh this never ends_   
  
I'm actually kind of glad I went to Metropolis... it meant time away from Smallville, that's just what I needed. It helped me gain a better perspective on what Clark was doing to my heart, and everyone knows unrequited love does a number on your heart. So what is Chloe Sullivan going to do about it? After 3 months in Metropolis, I thought I knew the answer, but I guess I really didn't... because when I came back; all my feelings came rushing back at me. Want to know what I did... the ultimate solution... fake smile and witty sarcasm... just don't forget to breathe Chloe.   
  
After Clark got out of jail... and the heat wave was over... I was out walking... of course my feet carried me to the Talon... I looked in the window. Damn my eyes. Lana and Clark together... I bet you anything they're just professing their undying love for each other. There goes me and my imagination... maybe imagining things aren't so bad, even if they break my heart, because when they do happen... I'll be better prepared. Doesn't that just sound like the most outrageous piece of shit you've ever heard? Great... now I'm talking to a piece of paper....   
  
I got back... realizing I just can't handle Clark anymore... this newfound friendship we have after the formal... it's not working for me. I'm not being selfish or anything, of course I value whatever relationship I can have with Clark... I mean it's obvious the bus stops at friendship. But I received a call earlier that day from the Daily Planet, saying they want me to go back and work for them... sounds crazy doesn't it? Part time job at the Daily Planet as a teenager? I mean that's the dream of a lifetime for me. Turns out my dad has been second guessing his decision to give LexCorp another chance, and he has been thinking of moving back to Metropolis. My dad thinks this Daily Planet job is good for me, or will be I suppose. I mean I agree with him, every part of my mind and body wants to go to Metropolis and show the Daily Planet that I'm better than part time.. But what about my friends? Isn't that the price I've been paying for all my life? Losing friendships because I just wanted to take a risk?   
  
When I went to contribute to the video Lana was making for Whitney, she told me going to the Spring Formal wasn't a mistake, but really it was. I let Clark get the best of me. I let my emotions run my life for once and look what happened? I can't let that happen again, and knowing me, staying in Smallville around Clark ... it's bound to happen again. So I guess my decision is made. I'm moving to Metropolis...   
  
I went to Pete's house yesterday and told him the news, granted he wasn't necessarily ecstatic about the fact that I was leaving him, but he understood. Of course he understood, Pete always understands me... with Clark, with Lana, with my feelings... with everything. He said he's going to come up to Metropolis whenever he can; he promised me. And I know Pete would never break a promise to me... I guess I'm important to him like that.   
  
Next... going to tell Clark.. I went this morning... brave face in hand, tearstained heart behind me. I walked up to his loft. .. his Fortress of Solitude, he was looking out of his telescope, watching Lana's house. I remember the scenario so vividly.   
  
_I walked up, told myself to breathe and be strong, and smile. "Penny for your thoughts?"   
  
He turned around .. and smiled so widely, I'm still unsure why. It is probably because he was looking at Lana's or something. "Hey, I didn't hear to you come up the stairs."   
  
"Of course you didn't.." I mumbled painted with sarcasm. He noticed. Can you believe it.. Clark Kent noticed something I did.. or something I said.. let alone something I felt.   
  
"Chloe..." He tried to explain. I couldn't let him explain, it would ruin my entire plans. Plus, I can't handle anymore excuses from him.   
  
"I just came to say goodbye. Me and my dad are shipping off back to the homeland tomorrow." I said quickly, then looked away, making sure he wouldn't see me on the verge of tears.   
  
"What?" He inched closer to me, "You can't move."   
  
I smiled and rolled my eyes, "Just like you can't take your eyes off of Lana." I started to turn around when he grabbed by arm and stared into my eyes. Those puppy dog eyes, I can't resist them, but I think my time in Metropolis helped me. Chloe Sullivan grew up in Metropolis, in the way she only knew how. And my choice now was to do the only thing I could. 'Just say goodbye Chloe and walk away.' I kept telling myself.   
  
He looked at me.. I knew he didn't know how to respond, because he knew it was true. His eyes then drifted, I turned around, and Lana was standing there, perfect hair and all. I smiled.. slowly inched away. "I'm gonna really miss you Clark." Leaned in for a hug, and whispered in his ear, "From a girl's perspective, I think she really likes you, don't mess this one up Clark." I put on my award-winning fake smile as a tear went down my cheek. Clark went to go wipe it away, but I wouldn't let him. I turned around and walked toward the door.   
  
Lana stopped me, "Chloe, you're moving?" Why did she have to be so concerned. Why can't she be a bitch and I can just hate her.   
  
Lana and I have become close. No matter how much Clark loves her, she's not that bad of a person, and I learned that the hard way, by being a bitch only Chloe can be. I grinned as I shrugged my shoulders, "The Daily Planet called me and said they wanted to hire me part time, so me and my dad are moving back. He wasn't really happy at LexCorp anyway. So we're just gonna go back to the life we left before coming to Smallville."   
  
"Oh wow, the editor of the Torch moving on up to the Daily Planet ... your dad must be proud."   
  
"Yeah, he encouraged it .. I mean I was definitely contemplating whether to leave Smallville behind, but I think it's best." I smiled as I tried not to cry.   
  
"What about your friends? Aren't you gonna miss that, and your Wall of Weird, or your office at the Torch, or Kwan going down your throat..." I interrupted her, "Woah there buzz. Of course I'm gonna miss that, but you know.. Chloe Sullivan knows all about sacrificing. I don't know, I guess while I was back in Metropolis, I remembered things that happened there. I have so many good memories there."   
  
"But Chloe, you have memories here." Lana protested.   
  
I laughed, "Yeah well its different here, everything's so complicated. I think I'm just not cut out for this kind of drama." Lana looked at me like she didn't believe me. "I better go, I have to finish packing up my stuff."   
  
Clark stopped me, "Wait, what's gonna happen to your house?" I turned around, "Oh, well my dad wanted to keep it, yanno, in case things weren't going to work out so we could move back here if necessary. Lex said that if he wanted his job back, he could always have it, so it's just gonna sit on the street right now for cautionary measures until we know for sure we're gonna stay in Metropolis."   
  
"So there's a chance you might come back to Smallville?" Clark asks ... pleading.   
  
I laughed, "Don't hold your breath." I turned around and walked away._   
  
Do I regret leaving it so harshly? Of course I do, but I can't keep giving into the Kent Charm, that's why my heart hurts everyday to begin with. So tomorrow we're moving and this is it. I'm going to leave this journal in the house. I'm not sure if I can handle bringing this with me to Metropolis, I'm going to read it everyday and remember Clark and I always came in second place with that boy.   
  
This goes in the closet where no one can read it, behind the torn pink dress where no one can see it, and my torn green heart where no one can break it... not even Clark Kent.   
  
It's hard to let go of someone, knowing that this isn't the way it should end.   
  
*********   
Clark closed his eyes as a tear streamed down his face. He looked down at the numerous pictures Chloe kept in her journal. Pictures of them in the 8th grade till Spring Formal. He never realized just how sentimental Chloe is. Clark just always thought of her as one of the guys, tough skinned Chloe .. is really gentle Chloe. Maybe that was his problem .. but it's too late now, Chloe is gone. He sighed as a new song came through his headphones.   
  
_You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby  
There was something missing  
You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe  
But you didn't listen  
You played dead  
But you never bled  
Instead you lay still in the grass  
All coiled up and hissing  
  
And though I know all about those men  
Still I don't remember  
Cause it was us baby, way before then  
And we're still together  
And I meant, every word I said  
When I said that I love you I meant  
That I love you forever  
  
And I'm gonna keep on loving you  
Cause it's the only thing I wanna do  
I don't wanna sleep  
I just wanna keep on loving you  
  
And I meant every word I said  
When I said that I love you I meant  
That I love you forever  
  
And I'm gonna keep on loving you  
Cause it's the only thing I wanna do  
I don't wanna sleep  
I just wanna keep on loving you_  
  
Clark looked down and read, "I love him, Clark Kent, no matter how much he loves Lana Lang. I can't just give up on a love that strong, even if he can"   
  
Lyrics from –   
REO Speedwagon – Keep on Lovin You  
Stretch Princess – Time & Time Again  
Sherri Youngward – Where This Love Goes  



End file.
